Yesterday I went to my cousin Ryan’s 30h birthday party. It was fun, mostly hors d’oeuvres (had to look up the spelling of that one!), and there were a few people there playing in a band. Really it was just two guys with acoustics, but they were really good. I guess the rest of the band was there as well, sort of a motley crew, and I was a bit surprised that Ryan would be hanging around with kids these young. In any event, I went, mingled, had some fun, and departed. I guess because the whole thing was on Father’s Day there wasn’t that many people. I bowed out early, especially considering that everyone there were smokers and I wasn’t. I stopped in at the little barn across the street (the whole thing was at the Fire or something tavern in Newburyport) and looked around. It was so hot I had to leave, because the smell of sweaty guys was so overpowering. Speaking of smells, I have noticed a distinct but different odor coming from my body; I am wondering if my deodorant is no longer smelling good to me and I will need something else. I will have to look it up.
I divided some of the shrubs that I got off CL yesterday; these are the ones I’ve installed around the cherry tree near the porch. I trimmed off some of the dead branches because there is new growth there and I want to make sure that I keep them alive. Not sure what kind they are, perhaps holly? I know they are evergreens. I planted about twelve butterfly bushes a few days ago, and they are different colors. I planted in the following order: dark blue, blue, pink, white, white, pink, blue, dark blue. The same colors as the transgender pride flag, which is my way of resisting without being too obvious.
While I cannot live in the past, I obviously still think quite a bit about my parents. Would they like the changes to the house? Part of me thinks: who cares? I don’t, since they are not alive anymore, but there’s a part that wishes that they would have been more proud of me for what I’ve accomplished in this life.
Today I have a bunch of stuff to do, so I will likely post again later…

Hump Day

May. 10th, 2017 02:14 pm
I am finally beginning to notice more changes to my body. I cut a slender figure now, although I wear a flannel shirt to hide my chest. I must be nearing an ‘A’ cup, and I do not call attention to them to Bethany, who says she is still having a hard time with it. Too bad. Well, that’s what she said last year about how she wanted to increase the budget spent on food and cleaning products. It’s my house. Not hers. I deliberately did not put her name on it for that reason. But back to my body, in part because Bethany has been babbling all morning about this and that and how she doesn’t like that I bought this and that. My legs have certainly become more defined, and I have noticed it takes a lot more effort to life something heavy. It’s likely the lack of testosterone that has caused that, which is fine; it’s my hope that I will eventually weigh less than Bethany, who weighs about 160. I know that is a pipe dream, though. About 165-170, I would look really good, and my aim is on that number.
Been doing more skincare lately, which has enabled me to start seeing a more feminine face. My cheeks are really the only area that need to be filled in, and I can certainly feel them over time. I’ve only been on a full dose for a few months, and while estrogen had certainly been building up in my system, I didn’t have a hormone blocker to suppress testosterone.
Bethany said that she doesn’t want to tell her father about me; she fears he will have a heart attack. I said fine, but on the inside, I am upset. Once again, because other people are uncomfortable with me, I can’t be myself. Story of my fucking life. The list of things that I was not allowed to bring up or talk about to either Sara or Bethany runs a mile long.
Part of me sincerely hopes that my entire family rejects me. I really do. I hope that every one of them says they will not accept gifts or any further contact. It would bring such relief to know that I never meant anything to these people to begin with, never meant anything to my parents, either, I think. My mother’s side of the family have largely pushed me away, which is fine; I am going to slowly unfriend more people as time goes on in efforts to whittle down my social circle. I don’t need people in my life. I don’t. I don’t want that many people in my life, either. I don’t think I’m bitter about that; it’s the truth. These people are toxic, poison to me, and I need to make sure that I do not allow their poison to infect my life.

Musings

May. 1st, 2017 10:30 am
One of the things that is really interesting is how I used to feel like I was being singled out for punishment. I remember so many instances where I was teased or made fun of or treated differently. I was viewed, as I am now, as little more than an experiment in behavior modification. My wife is the same way, constantly trying to get me to conform to her views of how I should act and think. Yesterday she was getting upset at something, and I said to her, ‘why are you getting angry?’ She got angrier, accusing me of trying to ‘start shit.’ I looked at her and told her that I was going to start treating her the same way she treats me. I’ve been struggling with my mood lately, and I think it might be the anti-depressants, because I really don’t think I am clinically depressed. B doesn’t want it to be the anti-depressant; she wants it to be the hormones, which figures, because she can see that HRT has improved my sense of self-esteem and self-worth, and she wants to squash it.
I have to set up my fake schedule for Quincy today or tomorrow; I want to make sure that I am out of the house as much as possible this summer. I wouldn’t mind, but if she thinks that I’m going to be sitting inside all summer long listening to her senseless babbling, she is kidding herself.
It’s my hope that I can get back into working on AODM. I’m almost halfway done with Part Nine.

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