Musings

Jul. 17th, 2017 03:02 pm
Yesterday was my birthday, and I must say that it was probably one of the best birthdays that I have had in a long time. Jack, Cristy, Manford, Gail, Emma, and Luke came up from New Jersey to celebrate. I showed Manford and Jack around the yard, and kind of showed how I would be doing things. Jack suggested using sand for leveling the patio blocks and getting those blocks in without causing a problem with pulling individual ones out and making sure they lined up. I’m going to take his advice seriously; he told me he was doing much the same thing with his own backyard, but with stones that have a serious rounding to the back of them.
B and I were a bit testy with one another yesterday, and I think it was because of the preparation for the party. I did help out a bit, but the screaming and yelling meant I wanted to be elsewhere. You can’t scream at people and expect them to want to be around you; it just doesn’t work that way. We did make up, and this morning (again) we were arguing but made up again.
Last night the compressor pedal came in (Donner) and the day before, the loop pedal came in. The fuzz pedal came in last week. This morning I was busy fooling around with it, overdubbing multiple tracks. I think I can make an entire album out of one or two of those looping pedals. I’ve removed the ‘mid-range’ section (for now) until I figure out what will be going to be plugged into the Fender Concert, but I’ve also gotten most of the pedals I need so far to nail Creedence’s tone through the Kustom. There are pedals out there that replicate the sound of the Kustom, but I really don’t need them because I actually have a Kustom.
Signal Chain for the Kustom:
1. Amp (Kustom 200A4)
2. Loop Pedal (will order later)
3. Reverb (will order today)
4. Tap Tone Delay
5. Amptweaker Swirlpool
6. EQ pedal (coming in today)
7. Fuzz Box (on its way)
8. OCD
9. Compressor
10. Four-way box
11. Guitar.
Signal Chain for the Twin:
1. Looper
2. Reverb
3. Delay
4. JHS Twin Twelve (Silvertone Amp Sim)
5. POG
6. Stylish Fuzz
7. Digitech Whammy IV
8. MXR Micro-Amp
9. Tuner
10. Four-way Box

Not sure about the midrange of the Concert. Not even sure if I really need it; there seems to be a great combination with the two amplifiers in tangent. I might split the signal between the Vibrolux, which is very bright, and the Twin, which can get very dark-sounding.

Bethany told her mother what is going on with me; she seemed unfazed by the fact that I am intersex; it’s less about being male or female and more about being okay at this point. It is my hope that, in the future, I will be able to live as a female rather than as a miserable, feminine-looking guy, but I don’t see it happening. At least I’m on hormones, and at least there have been considerable changes both to my body and face. I’ve been reading a memoir of someone born with both, and she describes how she would have such severe cramping she would wind up in the hospital. I know that I had severe stomach cramping, etc. and was hospitalized as a child, and so that makes sense. She transitioned, as well; her marriage ended rather quickly, and while I don’t necessarily want my marriage to end, there is a part of me that desires to be free from the constraints of being told what to do all the time.
Yesterday went well until the evening when I spent time in my office getting my to-do list done for today and my wife started chafing because I wasn’t upstairs where I belonged. I just accepted her ranting, since that is my job in this marriage. This morning she was at it again, going on and on and complaining that I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to do in hanging up shower bars in the bathrooms before work. I was reading my Bible, or at least, the daily Bible readings, at which point she got a little embarrassed. Not enough to apologize, of course, because Bethany does not ever feel the need to apologize, but enough to look away and not meet eye contact.
I have been in deep prayer lately about everything going on in my life. There is an excellent book I have been reading entitled ‘The Kneeling Christian’ – about the power of prayer in our lives. I remember when I was first saved I was steadfast in prayer and focused on the Lord, not on things or my circumstances. I remember praying over and over again for relief from my mental issues, expecting Him to solve my problems. I knew that He wanted me to be of good cheer and trust Him, and be of sound mind, but I had no idea that it would take almost fifteen years for Him to answer my prayers.
What have I been praying about? Well, I have been praying for Him to take my mind off my transitioning. It is one of those things, like guitar or anything else, that can absolutely consume my every waking thought. I have been praying for Him to convict me about prayer, and about following His commands. I have been praying also about my transition, asking him to either completely convict me that what I am doing is wrong, or to give me the confidence I need to keep moving forward. I have been praying for Bethany, who is still sick, and I have begun reading books on psychopathy in order to try and understand her inner workings. The truth is this: I was never supposed to have married her. In 2009, I remember praying to God that if He got me out of here (meaning Central MA) I would do whatever He said. I remember Him telling me not to get too comfortable, since I was not to be staying in Massachusetts forever. Instead, I went ahead and got married. The more and more I pray, the more and more I study, the more and more I realize I have married a psychopath, and that while I cannot change her, I can pray for her, and pray fervently that God will help the both of us. Me simply sitting back and being passive about my own life isn’t healthy. Me sitting back and not dealing what issues isn’t healthy. Me focusing exclusively on being trans isn’t healthy, either; I need to be focusing on what the Lord wants me to be doing.
Praying without ceasing is a great way for me to stop having these ridiculous conversations or imagined scenarios in my head where I am being confronted by one person or another about me being transgender. Of course, I am praying not necessarily for freedom from thinking about me being trans as much as I am praying that the Lord will guide me and show me His plan and His purpose for my life.
I am leaving his Dunkin’ Donuts (North Quincy). There is no A/C and it is utterly stifling.
Now I am at Panera in Wilmington enjoying a late dinner. Nice place to eat, and nice and air conditioned, as well. The person who is at the counter here is definitely part of the LGBT+ community, but I can’t tell if he/she is trans like me or just gender queer. I might say something to him/her on my way out. Today I spent quite a bit of time finishing up grading, etc. I have two more essays to grade and I will be out of the woods – for now. It seems that we are going to be implementing more ‘checks’ throughout the semester to ensure student retention, rather than teaching. Tomorrow I have to call the plumber because it seems the wax seal around Bethany’s toilet is having issues, and there is the dividing of creeping myrtle and burgleweed to deal with.
These past few weeks have been quite an interesting sequence of events. Bethany and I have been fighting off and on, and while we always make up in the end it just wears on me after a while. My joy comes from gardening, writing (which I have not been doing with the gardening a pressing matter) and from playing guitar. Sitting there and listening to B consists of her going on and on about her family’s history, which, while interesting, does not allow me to talk about my own. She claims she wants me to interject to say something, but then continues talking so that I can’t say anything. If she could skip over taking a pause for breathing she would, just so I can’t talk.
I went this weekend to Beverly for some shrubs. They were free, and I planted them in the center of the yard, creating a kind of wrap-around for the cherry tree. It’ll look nice when it’s done. Then I did the same further down the side yard for the white dogwood, and then there will be the pink dogwood down by the side of the addition. I guess these trees grow slowly so there won’t be too much going on for the first few years or so. B is complaining about it, of course, despite the fact that these plants were mostly free, but my theory is that she feels if I am working in the garden or yard then I have my hearing aids out, and if I have them out then I can’t be sitting there listening to more crap about how I don’t listen.
I saw Sarah M., Lisa’s sister, the other day, and it kind of triggered me because she is an obnoxious loser who never liked me and actually went out of her way to bully me like everyone else in high school and I kind of wish I hadn’t seen her because my fear is she’ll out me to everyone. But she was probably so focused on how much she hated me that she didn’t notice my growing chest. And yes, my chest is indeed growing, and it seems like it’ll hit B-cup status before long, which makes me very happy. I am terrified and excited at the same time. It would be nice if my face would catch up with my body; aside from my man thighs (likely from running), I have a pretty good curvaceous body aside from that disgusting thing hanging in the middle. It’s my hope that over the summer I can have more sessions of laser on my face and on my chest. My arms are not so bad that I have to shave every day, but my chest has to be shaved at least every other day or so; just my breasts, at least. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting there and just had this urge to grab my breasts. They feel amazing, and they’re mine. Touching them brings me so much pleasure, and I remember as a kid staring in the mirror wishing the buds would pop out. Well, they are now, and I am so happy with the way that they are coming out. I think I’m past an ‘A’ cup now, and I hope that they are nice and big, not too big, but a good size, enough to make me be seen as a female. People still see me as a guy despite the changes, and this is likely due to my continued wearing of male clothing. I think my shoes will eventually be female, as well as a coat or jacket, but aside from that I will likely continue wearing male clothing.
Today I’m scheduling intervals, like I used to; five minutes on the treadmill, about ten minutes or so on a task, then five minutes on the treadmill. I have to keep myself busy because I think about the future a lot here, and thinking about my family makes me nervous because I don’t know how they are going to take my changes.

Hump Day

May. 10th, 2017 02:14 pm
I am finally beginning to notice more changes to my body. I cut a slender figure now, although I wear a flannel shirt to hide my chest. I must be nearing an ‘A’ cup, and I do not call attention to them to Bethany, who says she is still having a hard time with it. Too bad. Well, that’s what she said last year about how she wanted to increase the budget spent on food and cleaning products. It’s my house. Not hers. I deliberately did not put her name on it for that reason. But back to my body, in part because Bethany has been babbling all morning about this and that and how she doesn’t like that I bought this and that. My legs have certainly become more defined, and I have noticed it takes a lot more effort to life something heavy. It’s likely the lack of testosterone that has caused that, which is fine; it’s my hope that I will eventually weigh less than Bethany, who weighs about 160. I know that is a pipe dream, though. About 165-170, I would look really good, and my aim is on that number.
Been doing more skincare lately, which has enabled me to start seeing a more feminine face. My cheeks are really the only area that need to be filled in, and I can certainly feel them over time. I’ve only been on a full dose for a few months, and while estrogen had certainly been building up in my system, I didn’t have a hormone blocker to suppress testosterone.
Bethany said that she doesn’t want to tell her father about me; she fears he will have a heart attack. I said fine, but on the inside, I am upset. Once again, because other people are uncomfortable with me, I can’t be myself. Story of my fucking life. The list of things that I was not allowed to bring up or talk about to either Sara or Bethany runs a mile long.
Part of me sincerely hopes that my entire family rejects me. I really do. I hope that every one of them says they will not accept gifts or any further contact. It would bring such relief to know that I never meant anything to these people to begin with, never meant anything to my parents, either, I think. My mother’s side of the family have largely pushed me away, which is fine; I am going to slowly unfriend more people as time goes on in efforts to whittle down my social circle. I don’t need people in my life. I don’t. I don’t want that many people in my life, either. I don’t think I’m bitter about that; it’s the truth. These people are toxic, poison to me, and I need to make sure that I do not allow their poison to infect my life.
Today I came out to Bill and John, two of the guys down at the coffee shop. They were kind of stunned, but accepting. Not sure if they will continue to be as time goes on, but in any event, they seemed accepting. People are often stunned by new information when they get it, and when they have a chance to process it, they inevitably do one of two things: they either accept it or reject it. Sometimes there is a third option, where they struggle with parts of it, but in today’s world, the vast majority of people either accept things or reject them.
It was today that I noticed that I look very thin now, not emaciated, but enough where I can actually see that I am an hourglass figure. I figured I’d need to lose a lot more weight in order to see my curves, but I am quite happy with what I have right now. My body is no longer really a guy’s as much as a masculine chick (not that I was really that masculine to begin with), and once my facial hair is completely gone, coupled with a new set of glasses, I should be able to finally be my true self. I imagine I am going to confuse the crap out of people with my appearance, especially since I present as a masculine chick, and as soon as my cheeks fill in, the old Shaun will be pretty much non-existent. I have to wear something over my chest so that my breasts don’t show, which are at least an A cup now, but even wearing this flannel shirt reveals graceful curves where there were once blobs of fat. I find it incredible that, for me, my stomach fat was such a major source of contention. I hated it, and whenever I grabbed it (I still can; it is greatly diminished, though), I felt ashamed of myself despite surrounding myself with others who were far more obese than I. Of course, there are those who will reject me and those who will accept me; I have little faith in my immediate family in their outright rejection of me, and perhaps there will be extreme hostility toward me. I told Brett that I was dealing with something, and now I have to kind of message him and tell him what is going on.
I have not really shared much about other happenings in my life. I’ve been focused on the garden, and am in the process of putting in more flowers and plants. There are many seeds to be planted, mostly ground cover, and that will likely come back in the Spring. I have found that it really spreads and grows fast; my goal is to have a completely grassless lawn and at the very least have some kind of waterworks, like a river, meandering through the property. Of course, this might be some kind of a pipe dream; bubbling brooks, after all, require a great deal of time and money to maintain, but my goal is to make the yard best match Bethany’s (and mine) tastes and interests. Forsythia is going to be grown along the side yard and in the back; I love those yellow blooms that will so clearly define the boundaries of the Sedgewood residence without a wall or fence. I am growing ornamental grasses for the back, where they will likely prosper and this fall reach towering heights. I really enjoy being out of doors and enjoying my time in the garden.
These next few weeks will be hectic as I deal with the end of the semester and an upcoming jury duty summons. My wife seems to think I will not need to go; on Friday of next week I will need to call and verify that I will have jury duty. Two classes for Liberty University during the summer and one at Quincy College means that I will be seeing roughly six or seven thousand for the summer, plus whatever if my contract is renewed. I am going to stay at Liberty at least until the end of the year; starting next year I will likely no longer be able to stay there because I will no longer look like a guy. Probably at all.
For the past few days I have been looking in the mirror, and it seems like there has been a radical change to my skin complexion. The fat has shifted on my cheeks further northward, which indicates that being ‘read’ as female could be only a few months away, a fact that both makes me happy and terrifies me at the same time. There are so many things that could happen now; so many people who do not realize that I am transitioning that could suddenly see me as a woman, albeit a masculine one, and so many problems that could develop. I’ve started an anti-depressant, Zoloft, which has done wonders for the lingering feeling of depression that I have struggled with since a teenager. The problem now is that, with Bethany still very sick, am I being selfish for transitioning? I suppose anyone who does transition is selfish, especially when they are married, but it is something that I have to wonder. By my very nature I worry about what others will think about me, and so now I wonder what others will say when I am out to them. Will they judge me severely because my wife is sick? If I tell them that I almost committed suicide, will they care? Will they believe me? I am not sure, but my male self is clearly on borrowed time. I was prescribed two patches each week instead of one, and while I won’t start that dosing until next week or the week after (I have one patch left for a once-weekly dose; I might just decide to put it on soon and let it happen). I am not scared like I used to be, when it comes to anything, although I should not just throw caution to the wind. I have to be careful; transgender people are killed all the time just for being who they are.
God has taught me a lot throughout all of this. Yesterday or the day before I was reading the Bible, in Corinthians, where it says, ‘I have a clear conscience, but that does not make me innocent. The Lord will judge me, in time.’ And He will; I do not boast about being trans, or at least, if I do, I pray that God will make me more humble, since I need to be focusing on Him rather than being transgender. This focus, by the way, is apparently something that many people deal with after many things. For example, after I got saved, I became extreme, after I realized I had been sexually molested as a child I became extreme, and now that I realize I am trans I am extreme. While I do no talk to my wife about these issues, this is because, I think, God has shown me how much pain she is, not just physically, but emotionally, as well; as I transition, she is, too: while I am a total dyke, I recognize she isn’t, although there may be some aspect of her sexuality she hasn’t really explored.
And… it looks like I’m heading home. My wife is in extreme pain and it’s non-stop.

Today I am in the Colon and Rectal center somewhere in Woburn, 91 Montavle? I’ve never been here before. Last night my wife was in the ER with extreme pain. I had no idea, I don’t think, just how bad it was, and here we are today and she is going to be getting prepped for surgery in a little bit. I don’t think that I have ever been in as much pain as Bethany is in right now.
Home from the doctor’s. She was getting prepped, but the surgery will take place on Friday. She’s in agony now, but we’ve got to spend some time together, which is really good.

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