These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. Last week, the car broke down and I had to cancel my CT scan as well as counseling, and the counseling was rescheduled for Friday. Just before then, however, I got an email from my doctor saying that my chromosomes were XY, and that I was not intersex. I was floored by this, since, I won’t lie, there is a part of me that wishes that I had XX chromosomes. While this was disappointing, and I expressed this to my counselor, it does no change that there was some surgery done to my private areas. When I had electrolysis later on that afternoon, I was informed that my hair had not come back after having been zapped two weeks earlier. While this was good, it indicated that someone had essentially jumpstarted my puberty by giving me synthetic hormones. I quickly realized that the ‘Allergy shots’ that I had as a child were a cover, and in my medical records it revealed that I only had them once a week while I recall having them twice weekly, which is something that Bethany noted when I first told her about having shots way back when. There has to be some degree of androgen insensitivity, as this would explain why I look so young, although I know that hormones will definitely cause that.

In other news, I finished the bench that had been sitting by the patio for over a year; I replaced the slats on it and moved it over to the other side of the tree, and stained it there. I will put a coat or two of gloss on it tomorrow or so; the wood that I selected for it is poplar, so it will weather badly if I do not use some kind of sealer. I’ve also begun the platform for the storage shed behind the garage where the ssnowblower will be stored, along with the pots for planting and the lawnmower, etc. I would like to see cabinets up top; this would enable me to keep things above and below. The shed interior is still a mess and needs to be cleaned out.
I picked up some 6x6 posts the weekend before last; these would serve as the heavy-duty floor for this project behind the shed. Unfortunately, I wound up putting the boards too far in and cracked the windshield. I’ll get it fixed sooner rather than later, since I don’t want it to get worse.
I’ve sunk about four posts into the ground around the path from the front porch steps to the driveway; the problem I see now is that there is kind of a gully at the end where water is collecting. I think I will need to dig up a few tiers, level with sand, compact it, and make sure that there is an appropriate slant to the bricks to ensure that there will be runoff. The last thing we need is ice forming there in the winter.
In my music room, the pedalboard is coming together; I have finished painting the top and will soon be putting on the finishing coat. I think I will be widening the port holes for the wires, since they look like hell only halfway through and the angled plugs have an issue getting in there. The top tier is the White Stripes’ setup, and the bottom is Creedence, plus a mid-range section that I really haven’t set up yet but will consist of the OCD pedal, boost, and the parametric EQ. For Creedence, it has taken a while to really get the tone I am looking for, but here is the order:
<- Out to Amp <- Swirlpool (Delay in Effects Loop) <- Tightfuzz (EQ in Effects Loop) <- Tight Boost (Harmonic Clipper in Effects Loop) <- Wah <- Compressor <- Volume Pedal <- 4 way <- guitar
I am still working on developing how the signal will be going through the pedalboard to the back; I really want organization to be the key here. There will be four outputs; two will be connected to the top row, and two will be connected to the bottom. In addition, the top tier will have a separate volume pedal on the first tier (for ease of access), so ideally all four main outputs that will go to the back will be right there on the front panel separating the top section from the bottom. It’s going to be a heck of a wiring job, but I know it is not only possible, but practical. There might be a need for a second DC Brick pedal, as having the one is introducing some noise into the signal chain.
In terms of my relationship with B, it has been stable. We haven’t been fighting much, and I’ve actually been enjoying my time with her. I think that the problem really lies with the fact that I am often home during the summer and as a result we are at each other’s throats. I plan on finishing as many of the projects that I have this weekend – I will be hopefully putting in the first and second joist for the shed extension tomorrow – provided that I can move the pots in the plastic shed early on, and perhaps fill in the opening with those little scraps of brick that I got earlier in the summer to prevent critters from moving in.
The problem is that the long beam that I have set up as the back of the extension is exactly 8’ long, and there needs to be a 4x4 post buried at the end of it in order for it to support the back wall of this structure, so tomorrow I will likely be cutting that post down to size first, digging the hole for the cedar post, filling the post hole with concrete and finding a way to support the post while the concrete dries. There is no need for me to dig holes for concrete for the front of the structure; what I will do instead if simply mount the posts flush against the back of the shed, and secure them to the floor joists. The only thing Bethany will really see of this structure is the lattice work; the vast majority of the rest of it will be behind the shed. Moved the blueberry bushes, and will be moving the rose bush to an area where B will be able to see it. There is a juniper of some sort near where I am working; that will be transplanted, as well. Behind the garage, down the slight embankment, is some kind of evergreen; if I can figure out what the heck it is, it might be worth transplanting to a more visible location.
Well, it’s off to work now. I’m going to do Liberty stuff, which involves emails and grading, for a bit, and then Quincy; tonight is Comp 1, along with Mythology at 6. I am at 50 for the footnotes for Part Ten; I am hoping to get to 75 by tomorrow night.
- Sedgy

Musings

Aug. 18th, 2017 03:23 pm
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity as I continue working out in the garden and maintaining the beauty out there. Bethany has been up and down, and so have I, I suppose, because she is one of those people who constantly needs someone around to talk at. Emotionally, I have been finding myself thinking about suicide a lot, a thought which stuns me because I really think that where I am at right now is okay. I’m stable, and yet these thoughts rip through me. I don’t think I would do anything to hurt myself, but that I am having these thoughts is troubling, and I really need to think about what strategies I can use to push them aside. It is like how I used to not be able to control my own thoughts. I mean, I really had a problem with it. I felt like my mind and my body were disconnected.
Reading what I’ve just written makes me uncomfortable, mainly because I am discussing feelings here, and he problem with feelings are that they are often unstable and I have been taught since I was a kid that feelings are not important or that they are not something to be entertained. I’ve been instructed since childhood that my feelings aren’t important, and the problem today is that feelings are something that ‘special snowflakes’ discuss, according to the macho macho people. There is a right way to think about this and a wrong way to think about this, and I think that believing that feelings are useless or not worth discussing is one extreme, and the other extreme is to allow myself to be consumed by them.
Part of this can be attributed to Bethany’s way of idealizing me, and then devaluing me. Her goal, it appears, is to try and get me to believe that my own way of thinking is wrong, that Bethany is the only person who can teach me my self-worth even though I should be able to stand on my own two feet and look her in the eyes and say that I don’t need her approval or confidence because God has given me my own. Another large part of this could be attributed to the fear I have that God will punish or deal with me harshly. He has not yet, but that fear is always there and has always been there.
Finished setting up the guitar pedal order for the Kustom; it goes from the four-way into my tuner, then the compressor, harmonic clipper, the Equalizer, Boost, then Trem/Vibe, then into the volume pedal, into the delay pedal, and out to the amp. Alice shut down on me last night. It looks like a transistor went. I’m sure it’s not a huge deal, and I’m sure to fix it later on tonight or tomorrow.
I’ve been calling about my birth records, if only to solve this whole intersex issue; what fascinates me is that I never noticed that the underside of my genitals is a ton of scar tissue and there is an area in the middle of the scrotum sack that looks like it was stitched back together. I want to know what happened to me; while the inguinal hernia may have been undescended testicles, I believe what happened was I had what is called chordee, coupled with hypospadias, and undescended testicles. Looking at the surgery I had at seven, it is possible they removed a uterus from inside me. I have never felt, looked or acted like a boy, and puberty was a killer for me emotionally and mentally.
Now I am transitioning, and I really wish I had done this years ago. I wish that I had discussed this with my parents and transitioned as a teenager before I had records at college or a full-time job.

Musings

Jul. 17th, 2017 03:02 pm
Yesterday was my birthday, and I must say that it was probably one of the best birthdays that I have had in a long time. Jack, Cristy, Manford, Gail, Emma, and Luke came up from New Jersey to celebrate. I showed Manford and Jack around the yard, and kind of showed how I would be doing things. Jack suggested using sand for leveling the patio blocks and getting those blocks in without causing a problem with pulling individual ones out and making sure they lined up. I’m going to take his advice seriously; he told me he was doing much the same thing with his own backyard, but with stones that have a serious rounding to the back of them.
B and I were a bit testy with one another yesterday, and I think it was because of the preparation for the party. I did help out a bit, but the screaming and yelling meant I wanted to be elsewhere. You can’t scream at people and expect them to want to be around you; it just doesn’t work that way. We did make up, and this morning (again) we were arguing but made up again.
Last night the compressor pedal came in (Donner) and the day before, the loop pedal came in. The fuzz pedal came in last week. This morning I was busy fooling around with it, overdubbing multiple tracks. I think I can make an entire album out of one or two of those looping pedals. I’ve removed the ‘mid-range’ section (for now) until I figure out what will be going to be plugged into the Fender Concert, but I’ve also gotten most of the pedals I need so far to nail Creedence’s tone through the Kustom. There are pedals out there that replicate the sound of the Kustom, but I really don’t need them because I actually have a Kustom.
Signal Chain for the Kustom:
1. Amp (Kustom 200A4)
2. Loop Pedal (will order later)
3. Reverb (will order today)
4. Tap Tone Delay
5. Amptweaker Swirlpool
6. EQ pedal (coming in today)
7. Fuzz Box (on its way)
8. OCD
9. Compressor
10. Four-way box
11. Guitar.
Signal Chain for the Twin:
1. Looper
2. Reverb
3. Delay
4. JHS Twin Twelve (Silvertone Amp Sim)
5. POG
6. Stylish Fuzz
7. Digitech Whammy IV
8. MXR Micro-Amp
9. Tuner
10. Four-way Box

Not sure about the midrange of the Concert. Not even sure if I really need it; there seems to be a great combination with the two amplifiers in tangent. I might split the signal between the Vibrolux, which is very bright, and the Twin, which can get very dark-sounding.

Bethany told her mother what is going on with me; she seemed unfazed by the fact that I am intersex; it’s less about being male or female and more about being okay at this point. It is my hope that, in the future, I will be able to live as a female rather than as a miserable, feminine-looking guy, but I don’t see it happening. At least I’m on hormones, and at least there have been considerable changes both to my body and face. I’ve been reading a memoir of someone born with both, and she describes how she would have such severe cramping she would wind up in the hospital. I know that I had severe stomach cramping, etc. and was hospitalized as a child, and so that makes sense. She transitioned, as well; her marriage ended rather quickly, and while I don’t necessarily want my marriage to end, there is a part of me that desires to be free from the constraints of being told what to do all the time.

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