One of the things that just hit me was the fact that I’ve been grumbling about Liberty University lately; it has become a lot of work to be able to keep up with the weekly announcements and announcements being sent to students falling behind. We are responsible and must be held accountable to send out emails and warnings to students who are not responsible because the college wants us to. It doesn’t make much sense to me; doing these emails reminds me vaguely of high school in many respects, as the constant chasing of students to get them to work is something that high school teachers are often doing. This is college; the student should be responsible for his or her own success.
Today I worked on the last box outside, installing the back board and sides that I had taken off to use the post for the front walkway. I then installed the cedar post that will act as the edge of the lean-to that I am building, and secured it to the long 6x6 that goes across as the back wall. That are will likely be pickets, or perhaps what I will do is put a piece of plywood up to serve as the back wall, with the front being the lattice on the outside and plywood on the inside, to act as an area where I can put tools and things. I have lattice that I am picking up tonight; this guy has four or five sheets for free that I will pick up after work.
Just finished Liberty when I should have been finishing this. I’ve been feeling better today. Instead of wearing two patches, I am wearing three; I did this once before in hopes that I could speed up my transition, and for some reason I felt like my heart was pounding. These past few weeks I have been having headaches off and on; I thought it was the low-iron issue, but it could be low estrogen. I remember throughout my twenties I had headaches, and that could have been attributed to low estrogen. Same goes for the occasional hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and fatigue.
Been working a bit on the pedalboard setup today; I tried putting the wah first, etc, and I finally came up with a few setups that might get me close to what I am looking for. Ideally, I would plug into the Kustom and do it that way, but all of them seem to be out of commission right now. Still working on finishing the painting of the board; the bottom tier is being painted the yellow of Cosmo’s Factory and the blue of the curtains in Cosmo’s factory; the front tier wall, which needs to be drilled out more, will be black, along with the sides and back. I will likely steal the cord tie from one of the Kustoms and use it on the pedalboard; I would love to use that wrinkle black paint to make it look more like a Kustom 200, but I might be complicating things. I need to widen the holes in the front of the right side of the board; two of these holes are for the input jacks (mid and treble), and two are for the power supplies for the 18 volt pedals and the 9 volt pedals. I am still getting noise from the pedals with all of them plugged into the Brick; I might wind up using a cord and connecting the chain for the 9v pedals, and then using the brick for the 18v pedals and the ones on the second tier.
There needs to be several holes on the far right of the board; two are for the mid/treble output, and these will go to the back of the board and out, and two are for the top tier/last pedal (POG) to come down and connect to the volume pedal. From there, it will go to another hole, another jack, and then to the back of the amp, output. On top of the second tier are the other two connections from the four-way; one goes to the tuner, and the other goes to the bass pedals. I want to make the opportunity for someone to plug into the board through the main input jack, through the tuner, and if they really want to play through another amp, they can either unplug their guitar, pick up another cable and plug straight into the output jack next to the tuner, or they can go through the tuner and straight out to an amp.
It looks like, which is odd, the Kustom 200 signal may have started on vibrato and tremolo, and from there to selective boost, and finally to the distortion, and I will give that a shot. I think it is more likely that the selective boost was first, followed by distortion.
This weekend went pretty well, surprisingly, considering how B and I often get at each other’s throats by the end. We decided not to go to an estate sale on Thursday, and I spent a considerable part of the day working on various projects, eventually installing four more of those blocks as a walkway. Friday we went somewhere, I forget exactly where but when we got home I went out to someone’s house on the other side of town and picked up flagstones that I laid out for the walkway leading down to where the new patio will eventually be. While there weren’t enough for the whole thing, the walkway appears to be shaping up nicely, and if I ever get this productive, I would move the stones aside and build up a fieldstone wall and then lay down a layer of sand and pea gravel. While pea gravel does have a tendency to travel, I would probably install some of that metal barrier to keep it in place. Two sets of Moonray lights came in, and I set them up. These are half a watt each light, and since the transformer can take up to ten watts, I suppose I can add another two sets and be okay. Saturday I got a set of six Hampton Bay lights, and installed them. These, too, are half a watt each, and then yesterday I got two more sets, which completely line the house side of the pathway. I’m going to eventually set up a transformer in the garage and have it lead to outside, on a timer, so that Bethany and I can sit outside and not be troubled by wandering critters. I got a number of flower boxes, which I am working on setting up, as well as some other random outdoor objects. Yesterday I set up two hanging lanterns on either post on the back porch. I’ve got a number of propagated shrubs going in several pots; will need to water them tomorrow and see how they are doing.
Saturday afternoon I picked up a teak wall cubby, which weighs a ton, and installed it today in the hallway over the ugly plywood that my parents installed when I was a kid. Later, Bethany and I will take down that wall (read: I’ll do it), and then there will be new paint and wallboard there. The trouble with that wall is that there is horsehair plaster, and as a result it could spark an issue for me, but anyway.
Last Wednesday I went to see Michael; he sold me a couple of guitar amps and a guitar; I had already picked up a twelve-string on Monday, so no more. The acoustic guitar he gave me on Wednesday sounds off like a cannon, and is made by Fender. Working on fingerpicking more; as a fun experiment I purchased a pick that has two-picks attached, separated by this spongy material to make it a little easier on the hands. It’s fun to play with but because I don’t normally play with picks that big, it’s a bit awkward. I love how it makes my guitar sound like an orchestra, and I am looking forward to seeing what it will make the big twelve-string sound like.
Just ordered the strings from I love hearing 12-strings. I remember that massive acoustic monster my parents gave me for Christmas one year. It was so large that I couldn’t reach around it to play the strings. It wasn’t very comfortable to play. The Fender I have is a bit big, but not so much so that it becomes awkward to play. I like how I am slowly working more and more on finding MY style. Do not get me wrong; I love Creedence Clearwater Revival, and I will listen to them until the day I die, but in order for me to develop, I need to be working on my unique sound, my style, which is still developing, is a mix of styles. I enjoy the good, thumping bassline in Open D Tuning (D-A-D-F-A-D) that Skip James (Hard Time Killing Floor Blues and Lightnin’ Hopkins (Where Did You Stay Last Night?) used. Drop D (D-A-D-G-B-D) is an amazing tuning for fingerpicking, and even a variation on Open D (C-G-C-D#-G-C) sounds incredible. I’ve tried something that almost sounds jazzy (B-A-D-G-B-D) and it sounds good only on my broken-neck Les Paul. Open tunings are a great way to really get your mind working. There are numerous melodies I’ve created and borrowed from the greats, and I’m hoping that eventually I can make some kind of an album.
Financially, Bethany and I appear to be doing okay. We’ve bought a lot for the house, but I think we’re being wise about things. I owe 3k on one credit card and 2k on another, and B has 6k on her card. I got paid Saturday (About 1200 or so), so I’ll probably knock another grand or so off of mine.
Today I have to deal with a bunch of things, including Liberty U.’s Dean’s Report, etc. Grading, Grading, Grading. I’m also going to send a message to the Piper family coming out to them.
- Sedgy
This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions and plans. Since Thursday night or so Bethany and I have been arguing. I really don’t know entirely what the issue is; it usually comes down to me getting fed up with the way she just demands I do something and exploding on her rather than keeping my cool and writing in my journal. This journal, I have to say, has saved my skin more than once, and I am truly thankful daily that God has allowed me to write in it.
I’ve been working on trying to get my mind off transitioning. I understand from many people online that being part of the LGBT movement can have a certain impact on them; for the first time in their lives they are a part of a community and they kind of become obsessed. I do not discuss much of my transition with Bethany, but this is not because she does not want me talking about it, rather, she doesn’t want me talking at all. I’ll spend a few minutes talking about a patio, etc., and she will interrupt to tell me not to spend any money on it or that it won’t work, just the usual extreme negativity that I have come to expect from her. It has little to do with transitioning; this inevitable negativity or criticism will come up any time I discuss future plans to apply somewhere else or when I am working on my novel. Perhaps her own life is nothing but dry bones and this is why she doesn’t like me talking.
But back to distracting myself regarding my transition. I am focusing on playing guitar and gardening, as I said, and I am desperately trying to get back into studying scripture and having a relationship with God. I recognize that my life has slowly but surely become void of meaning not because I am trans, but because I am married to someone who is spiritually dead, and while she is dead God desires for me to be alive in Christ. So I am focusing on developing my spiritual life. I acknowledge that in the future there will be someone who reads this and finds that my usage of ‘I’ all the time poses an issue because we shouldn’t be talking about ourselves at all, or rather, we should not be the focus, but in this diary, I have found that in my early years of working for New England Compounding Center I was so focused on Christianity that I wasn’t talking about anything else.
How am I developing my spirit life? Well, first I am trying to devote some time each day to just being quiet and not talking, but listening to what the Lord has to say. Too often we view God as a Santa Claus, and that has dramatic implications for whether we hear from the Lord or not. Second, studying scripture and doing daily devotionals are important, as well. What I do want to do is start some kind of devotional where I read scripture and then start writing what so and so scripture means to me and how it can be applied. I do not desire to go so far over to the other side that I become ‘religious’ again, which is always a risk, but I pray that God shows me where He wants me to focus on and continue developing.
In the garden/side yard, things are continuing to progress. I have pretty much finished planting everything that is going on the driveway side next to the house; some weeding needs to be done, and the violets (I think that’s what they are) need to be divided and transplanted so that they can thrive all over the yard. I got some black-eyed Susan plants over there, plenty of hostas, phlox, and burgleweed. There are many sprouts of various plants there. My hope is that this will be a mixed garden on one side, the pathway leading to the front of the house, and the more variety of plants growing to kind of give the impression one is actually in the woods somewhere. Down front, the iris plants are getting ready to bloom, and there are other plants that are definitely doing well. Hydrangeas look good on the area just beside the landing, and I have started installing pavers that will lead to the driveway. Down the side yard everything except the foxglove has come back and most of the side lawn has been covered with mulch except for where it was rocks; I have built a path there so that when I start installing the pavers they will follow this path. Adjustments may be needed, which is fine, but on the whole, you can see how things are looking up. There are now a number of dogwoods in the ground, lilac shrubs, and there will be other plants, as well. I have to deal with the plants in the fridge and start getting them into pots to grow; I know at least one is a cherry tree that will likely be growing behind the garage or so, perhaps more than one, and there are other things, like lilac, that will be planted and come back in the spring. I have those burning bushes in the back, and there are shrubs back there that will be dug up and moved to the front; the burning bushes will likely be moved forward, and as they fill out and fill in that back area will no longer be visible from our yard. Near the red maple, there are hostas basking in the shade of the tree, and I picked up a ton of ornamental grasses.
One thing I should mention here is about the hostas I got; they were advertised for free on Craigslist, and so I went to get them. I looked around to see if anyone was around, and no one was, so I left. I didn’t think anything of it, until the next day someone wrote that whoever took them had stolen those that had been promised to six people. The author called me an asshole. Part of me wanted to return them, and the other part of me was like, well, you advertised them on CL for free, and I looked around to see if you were there. I wasn’t so much torn about it as I was fearful that if I told anyone about it the person who had them would beat the crap out of me. So I kept them. I’ll pay it forward in the future, I promise.
Today I am going to be working on Liberty; there are quite a few papers to grade, and I am going to take frequent breaks looking at stuff on CL and eBay; it’s my hope that I can get everything that I need for this garden into the ground by the middle of the summer so I can focus on painting again.

- Sedgy
These past few weeks have been quite an interesting sequence of events. Bethany and I have been fighting off and on, and while we always make up in the end it just wears on me after a while. My joy comes from gardening, writing (which I have not been doing with the gardening a pressing matter) and from playing guitar. Sitting there and listening to B consists of her going on and on about her family’s history, which, while interesting, does not allow me to talk about my own. She claims she wants me to interject to say something, but then continues talking so that I can’t say anything. If she could skip over taking a pause for breathing she would, just so I can’t talk.
I went this weekend to Beverly for some shrubs. They were free, and I planted them in the center of the yard, creating a kind of wrap-around for the cherry tree. It’ll look nice when it’s done. Then I did the same further down the side yard for the white dogwood, and then there will be the pink dogwood down by the side of the addition. I guess these trees grow slowly so there won’t be too much going on for the first few years or so. B is complaining about it, of course, despite the fact that these plants were mostly free, but my theory is that she feels if I am working in the garden or yard then I have my hearing aids out, and if I have them out then I can’t be sitting there listening to more crap about how I don’t listen.
I saw Sarah M., Lisa’s sister, the other day, and it kind of triggered me because she is an obnoxious loser who never liked me and actually went out of her way to bully me like everyone else in high school and I kind of wish I hadn’t seen her because my fear is she’ll out me to everyone. But she was probably so focused on how much she hated me that she didn’t notice my growing chest. And yes, my chest is indeed growing, and it seems like it’ll hit B-cup status before long, which makes me very happy. I am terrified and excited at the same time. It would be nice if my face would catch up with my body; aside from my man thighs (likely from running), I have a pretty good curvaceous body aside from that disgusting thing hanging in the middle. It’s my hope that over the summer I can have more sessions of laser on my face and on my chest. My arms are not so bad that I have to shave every day, but my chest has to be shaved at least every other day or so; just my breasts, at least. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting there and just had this urge to grab my breasts. They feel amazing, and they’re mine. Touching them brings me so much pleasure, and I remember as a kid staring in the mirror wishing the buds would pop out. Well, they are now, and I am so happy with the way that they are coming out. I think I’m past an ‘A’ cup now, and I hope that they are nice and big, not too big, but a good size, enough to make me be seen as a female. People still see me as a guy despite the changes, and this is likely due to my continued wearing of male clothing. I think my shoes will eventually be female, as well as a coat or jacket, but aside from that I will likely continue wearing male clothing.
Today I’m scheduling intervals, like I used to; five minutes on the treadmill, about ten minutes or so on a task, then five minutes on the treadmill. I have to keep myself busy because I think about the future a lot here, and thinking about my family makes me nervous because I don’t know how they are going to take my changes.
Today I came out to Bill and John, two of the guys down at the coffee shop. They were kind of stunned, but accepting. Not sure if they will continue to be as time goes on, but in any event, they seemed accepting. People are often stunned by new information when they get it, and when they have a chance to process it, they inevitably do one of two things: they either accept it or reject it. Sometimes there is a third option, where they struggle with parts of it, but in today’s world, the vast majority of people either accept things or reject them.
It was today that I noticed that I look very thin now, not emaciated, but enough where I can actually see that I am an hourglass figure. I figured I’d need to lose a lot more weight in order to see my curves, but I am quite happy with what I have right now. My body is no longer really a guy’s as much as a masculine chick (not that I was really that masculine to begin with), and once my facial hair is completely gone, coupled with a new set of glasses, I should be able to finally be my true self. I imagine I am going to confuse the crap out of people with my appearance, especially since I present as a masculine chick, and as soon as my cheeks fill in, the old Shaun will be pretty much non-existent. I have to wear something over my chest so that my breasts don’t show, which are at least an A cup now, but even wearing this flannel shirt reveals graceful curves where there were once blobs of fat. I find it incredible that, for me, my stomach fat was such a major source of contention. I hated it, and whenever I grabbed it (I still can; it is greatly diminished, though), I felt ashamed of myself despite surrounding myself with others who were far more obese than I. Of course, there are those who will reject me and those who will accept me; I have little faith in my immediate family in their outright rejection of me, and perhaps there will be extreme hostility toward me. I told Brett that I was dealing with something, and now I have to kind of message him and tell him what is going on.
I have not really shared much about other happenings in my life. I’ve been focused on the garden, and am in the process of putting in more flowers and plants. There are many seeds to be planted, mostly ground cover, and that will likely come back in the Spring. I have found that it really spreads and grows fast; my goal is to have a completely grassless lawn and at the very least have some kind of waterworks, like a river, meandering through the property. Of course, this might be some kind of a pipe dream; bubbling brooks, after all, require a great deal of time and money to maintain, but my goal is to make the yard best match Bethany’s (and mine) tastes and interests. Forsythia is going to be grown along the side yard and in the back; I love those yellow blooms that will so clearly define the boundaries of the Sedgewood residence without a wall or fence. I am growing ornamental grasses for the back, where they will likely prosper and this fall reach towering heights. I really enjoy being out of doors and enjoying my time in the garden.
These next few weeks will be hectic as I deal with the end of the semester and an upcoming jury duty summons. My wife seems to think I will not need to go; on Friday of next week I will need to call and verify that I will have jury duty. Two classes for Liberty University during the summer and one at Quincy College means that I will be seeing roughly six or seven thousand for the summer, plus whatever if my contract is renewed. I am going to stay at Liberty at least until the end of the year; starting next year I will likely no longer be able to stay there because I will no longer look like a guy. Probably at all.
Last night I pulled into Quincy’s Dunkin’ Donuts, where I am now, and had a bunch of texts from my wife, who was being brought by ambulance to Melrose-Wakefield Hospital for chest pain. I immediately started driving, and wound up at the hospital after sitting in traffic for nearly two hours. As it turns out, my wife did not have a heart attack, or at least, the doctors do not think so judging from the EKG, blood work and scans. Still, her pain persists. She has so much pain that she cannot sit down, and has a hard time breathing. Tomorrow she has an appointment at eight, but for today she has told me to go into work, and as a result I have gone in, and now I worry about her. I know we have our ups and downs in this marriage, and I still have problems with how she desires to manage so much of my thoughts and abilities, but she is still the woman I married and I am still her husband, transgender or not. It is my sincere hope that we can get to the bottom of this before the summer; I don’t think that I can handle having to ferry her back and forth to the hospital all summer. I have one class for this summer term, and it looks like it will be starting at the end of May. I have to get it set up before Jury Duty starts, double check the links and everything.
Did some more gardening stuff today; there are so many new things popping up in the garden and backyard that it is truly incredible. Butterfly bush looks nice and full, and in the far back up in the rocks there are all kinds of stuff blooming. I have a few lamb’s ear to plant, as well as daylilies, etc., and there is much to do with cleaning up the yard from all the leaves, but I am sure that I will begin taking care of all that soon.



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