Musings

May. 26th, 2017 10:55 am
I’ve gained some weight on hrt, which is troubling but nothing that I can’t get under control. The snacking has gone from bad to worse, though, and it’s nobody’s fault but my own. The problem is that at work I would eat my food and had learned to discipline myself to not constantly be shoveling food in, but now with school out, and the weather kind of sucky, I have little to do and as a result, I am eating out of boredom. I’ll get back into things, of course. My goal is to burn off a minimum of seven hundred and fifty calories a day on the elliptical; I figure if I schedule my day around exercising and discipline myself to get on the thing a minimum of ten minutes. Ten times a day, I’ll be golden. Reading books is a great way to keep me from spending so much time thinking about being transgender. Of course, this is who I am, but at the same time I don’t want to waste my life with this being my only focus. I wonder how Jess did it; I’m sure she struggles with it. Time to devote my energy into either developing more understanding about God, my faith, and my hobbies, especially guitar and gardening. Reading books about chess will likely go a long way toward helping me, as well. I am not yet getting read as female, but I’m sure once I begin rapid weight loss, I’ll be there in no time. I know of people who lose weight and are able to live full-time as female before even starting HRT, which is incredible, when you think about it. The girl, Sara, who is on the transgender support boards, documented her transition throughout and she looks stunning now. I’m hoping to clean up well, myself.
I’ve been playing guitar quite a bit lately but doing the same old songs over and over. I really need to start thinking about recording, and how I’m going to arrange, etc. The problem is that I am beginning to think that I have PTSD from this marriage. The dishes are a constant source of badgering for me; it has gotten so bad that I really don’t even want to eat anymore. We need a new dishwasher, but she doesn’t want to go out. It’s obvious she likes playing the helpless victim, and I wish to God that I had seen all these warning signs when I first met her. Heck, if I had realized that I had gender issues, there’s a good chance that I would never have gotten married in the first place. I’ve got to trust that God has a plan in all of this, and that God has to be the source of my strength. If it isn’t, of course I’m going to get stressed and depressed, because I am trying so hard to make Bethany happy, or avoid her. Personally, I think avoiding her is a great way for me to not be triggered by her crap.

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July 2017

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