I’ve begun to get more involved in the intersex discussion, not because I don’t want to be involved in the transgender community, but because I think that is more closely aligned with who I am and who I am supposed to be. I have started doing more research on the genital mutilation that those who are born intersex go through, and it seems more and more disgusting to me as time goes on. One of the biggest issues for me is the lack of sensation when I have sex, which may be from a nerve severed from when I had surgery.
I mentioned this to Bethany, who thinks that I don’t know for sure, even about Klinefelter’s, but I think that her denial stems more from the fact that I’m standing up for myself and using my voice, which is a no-no in this shitty marriage. I shared some things yesterday about intersex, and I noticed that I had set my posts on Facebook to not let Bethany see them. I took this off, and sure enough, I got confronted about posting these things this morning. Couple this with the Sunday episode where B told me that she had seen how I posted to someone else’s post about how I liked Creedence, and you get a pretty clear picture that B just wants me quietly sitting there listening to her.
I wouldn’t mind, but I have to listen to her babble about her family, which is about as interesting as sports. She tells me that when I’m talking about being intersex, it’s all about me, but she’s doing this genealogy stuff for her ‘family’ – none of which really give a shit about it. To me, it’s just more of an excuse for her to be talking about herself. Look what *she* researched, look what *she* found. Look at her! Look at her! Anything I do that might detract from her being in the spotlight is suspect, and this includes teaching conferences.
This morning someone had posted about there being a transgender conference in Boston coming up, focusing on education, etc. I have been praying about this for some time, and wanting to get back into publishing about education, etc. I shared this with Bethany – big mistake; she told me she didn’t think it was a good idea because I still teach at Liberty. While she is correct – I still teach at Liberty, what I have to automatically wonder is if she is being sincere in her concerns, or if she knows that if I get back into publishing and presenting, the spotlight will be once again off her. It bothered her for some time that people were actively reaching out to me for my insight and my views on this and that, and she felt slighted. Now, she thinks she’s in charge, but only because she isn’t aware that I’m still publishing on Medium as Stacy Sedgewood.
I hate living a double life; I feel like I’m 5-16 again and pretending to be a girl online, even though that is who I truly am on the inside, but if this little freedom is what I am granted right now, I am okay with that. I desire to be free. I desire for true freedom, and God through Christ has indeed set me free. The problem is that now there are so many forces who want me to go back into the closet. Those who are closest to us are always okay with you when you are lying to yourself as long as they are comfortable. Bethany loves to say that I need to ‘step it up’ and help her out, and then I start to, and she seems to get more and more agitated, because if I do help out more and more, she won’t have anything to start screaming and yelling at me about. And this is why I love being at work so much. This is why I hate living under the same roof as this woman. She is a shrew, I married my mother, and I know it.
Part of me does feel guilty about a lot of things. I feel guilty because B does have to deal with my issues. I feel guilty that she married someone who is or was very weak emotionally. She married someone who can’t hear her, which frustrates her to no end, and she married someone who is essentially a doormat. Yet a lot of these things aren’t necessarily my fault – entirely. I am who I am, and while Bethany expects me to change everything just to make her happy, there is an underlying understanding that I can’t expect her to do anything to change. Nope! I bring something up, and she will bring up about twenty or thirty of my shortcomings in order to justify that she can continue to treat me like crap. I start talking about how her comments make me feel, and I’m not allowed to finish my statement. I can’t; she interrupts and essentially tells me that it’s my fault I feel a certain way.
What really bothers me, above all else, is my relationship to God. It has indeed been a series of rises and falls since realizing I was trans; it’s far better than the stagnant Christian I once was. I remember crying out to God for His help because I couldn’t feel anything, had no joy, no peace, etc., and really didn’t know who I was as a person. Now, I know exactly who I am – in Christ. I can honestly say that to die is gain and to live is Christ. I can now see that when I got married, I clearly stepped outside of the will of the Lord, because He showed me not to get too comfortable living with my father because He was going to call me out of Massachusetts. My prayer, my heartfelt prayer, is that God will forgive me and show me His purpose – that He will lead me. Just because Bethany doesn’t see my purpose doesn’t mean I don’t have one.
In other news, Trump banned transgender people from serving in the military. Texas has enacted transgender bathroom bill bans, and I am sure that there will be many more of these things popping up all over the country, to discriminate against people like us. If I go into a restaurant and am seen as trans, will I be asked to leave? Who knows, but it’s a scary time to be in the United States.