Jun. 12th, 2017

Yesterday went well until the evening when I spent time in my office getting my to-do list done for today and my wife started chafing because I wasn’t upstairs where I belonged. I just accepted her ranting, since that is my job in this marriage. This morning she was at it again, going on and on and complaining that I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to do in hanging up shower bars in the bathrooms before work. I was reading my Bible, or at least, the daily Bible readings, at which point she got a little embarrassed. Not enough to apologize, of course, because Bethany does not ever feel the need to apologize, but enough to look away and not meet eye contact.
I have been in deep prayer lately about everything going on in my life. There is an excellent book I have been reading entitled ‘The Kneeling Christian’ – about the power of prayer in our lives. I remember when I was first saved I was steadfast in prayer and focused on the Lord, not on things or my circumstances. I remember praying over and over again for relief from my mental issues, expecting Him to solve my problems. I knew that He wanted me to be of good cheer and trust Him, and be of sound mind, but I had no idea that it would take almost fifteen years for Him to answer my prayers.
What have I been praying about? Well, I have been praying for Him to take my mind off my transitioning. It is one of those things, like guitar or anything else, that can absolutely consume my every waking thought. I have been praying for Him to convict me about prayer, and about following His commands. I have been praying also about my transition, asking him to either completely convict me that what I am doing is wrong, or to give me the confidence I need to keep moving forward. I have been praying for Bethany, who is still sick, and I have begun reading books on psychopathy in order to try and understand her inner workings. The truth is this: I was never supposed to have married her. In 2009, I remember praying to God that if He got me out of here (meaning Central MA) I would do whatever He said. I remember Him telling me not to get too comfortable, since I was not to be staying in Massachusetts forever. Instead, I went ahead and got married. The more and more I pray, the more and more I study, the more and more I realize I have married a psychopath, and that while I cannot change her, I can pray for her, and pray fervently that God will help the both of us. Me simply sitting back and being passive about my own life isn’t healthy. Me sitting back and not dealing what issues isn’t healthy. Me focusing exclusively on being trans isn’t healthy, either; I need to be focusing on what the Lord wants me to be doing.
Praying without ceasing is a great way for me to stop having these ridiculous conversations or imagined scenarios in my head where I am being confronted by one person or another about me being transgender. Of course, I am praying not necessarily for freedom from thinking about me being trans as much as I am praying that the Lord will guide me and show me His plan and His purpose for my life.
I am leaving his Dunkin’ Donuts (North Quincy). There is no A/C and it is utterly stifling.
Now I am at Panera in Wilmington enjoying a late dinner. Nice place to eat, and nice and air conditioned, as well. The person who is at the counter here is definitely part of the LGBT+ community, but I can’t tell if he/she is trans like me or just gender queer. I might say something to him/her on my way out. Today I spent quite a bit of time finishing up grading, etc. I have two more essays to grade and I will be out of the woods – for now. It seems that we are going to be implementing more ‘checks’ throughout the semester to ensure student retention, rather than teaching. Tomorrow I have to call the plumber because it seems the wax seal around Bethany’s toilet is having issues, and there is the dividing of creeping myrtle and burgleweed to deal with.

Profile

stacys_musings

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16 171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

  • Style: Daydream for Ciel by nornoriel

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 26th, 2017 02:34 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios