Jun. 7th, 2017

This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions and plans. Since Thursday night or so Bethany and I have been arguing. I really don’t know entirely what the issue is; it usually comes down to me getting fed up with the way she just demands I do something and exploding on her rather than keeping my cool and writing in my journal. This journal, I have to say, has saved my skin more than once, and I am truly thankful daily that God has allowed me to write in it.
I’ve been working on trying to get my mind off transitioning. I understand from many people online that being part of the LGBT movement can have a certain impact on them; for the first time in their lives they are a part of a community and they kind of become obsessed. I do not discuss much of my transition with Bethany, but this is not because she does not want me talking about it, rather, she doesn’t want me talking at all. I’ll spend a few minutes talking about a patio, etc., and she will interrupt to tell me not to spend any money on it or that it won’t work, just the usual extreme negativity that I have come to expect from her. It has little to do with transitioning; this inevitable negativity or criticism will come up any time I discuss future plans to apply somewhere else or when I am working on my novel. Perhaps her own life is nothing but dry bones and this is why she doesn’t like me talking.
But back to distracting myself regarding my transition. I am focusing on playing guitar and gardening, as I said, and I am desperately trying to get back into studying scripture and having a relationship with God. I recognize that my life has slowly but surely become void of meaning not because I am trans, but because I am married to someone who is spiritually dead, and while she is dead God desires for me to be alive in Christ. So I am focusing on developing my spiritual life. I acknowledge that in the future there will be someone who reads this and finds that my usage of ‘I’ all the time poses an issue because we shouldn’t be talking about ourselves at all, or rather, we should not be the focus, but in this diary, I have found that in my early years of working for New England Compounding Center I was so focused on Christianity that I wasn’t talking about anything else.
How am I developing my spirit life? Well, first I am trying to devote some time each day to just being quiet and not talking, but listening to what the Lord has to say. Too often we view God as a Santa Claus, and that has dramatic implications for whether we hear from the Lord or not. Second, studying scripture and doing daily devotionals are important, as well. What I do want to do is start some kind of devotional where I read scripture and then start writing what so and so scripture means to me and how it can be applied. I do not desire to go so far over to the other side that I become ‘religious’ again, which is always a risk, but I pray that God shows me where He wants me to focus on and continue developing.
In the garden/side yard, things are continuing to progress. I have pretty much finished planting everything that is going on the driveway side next to the house; some weeding needs to be done, and the violets (I think that’s what they are) need to be divided and transplanted so that they can thrive all over the yard. I got some black-eyed Susan plants over there, plenty of hostas, phlox, and burgleweed. There are many sprouts of various plants there. My hope is that this will be a mixed garden on one side, the pathway leading to the front of the house, and the more variety of plants growing to kind of give the impression one is actually in the woods somewhere. Down front, the iris plants are getting ready to bloom, and there are other plants that are definitely doing well. Hydrangeas look good on the area just beside the landing, and I have started installing pavers that will lead to the driveway. Down the side yard everything except the foxglove has come back and most of the side lawn has been covered with mulch except for where it was rocks; I have built a path there so that when I start installing the pavers they will follow this path. Adjustments may be needed, which is fine, but on the whole, you can see how things are looking up. There are now a number of dogwoods in the ground, lilac shrubs, and there will be other plants, as well. I have to deal with the plants in the fridge and start getting them into pots to grow; I know at least one is a cherry tree that will likely be growing behind the garage or so, perhaps more than one, and there are other things, like lilac, that will be planted and come back in the spring. I have those burning bushes in the back, and there are shrubs back there that will be dug up and moved to the front; the burning bushes will likely be moved forward, and as they fill out and fill in that back area will no longer be visible from our yard. Near the red maple, there are hostas basking in the shade of the tree, and I picked up a ton of ornamental grasses.
One thing I should mention here is about the hostas I got; they were advertised for free on Craigslist, and so I went to get them. I looked around to see if anyone was around, and no one was, so I left. I didn’t think anything of it, until the next day someone wrote that whoever took them had stolen those that had been promised to six people. The author called me an asshole. Part of me wanted to return them, and the other part of me was like, well, you advertised them on CL for free, and I looked around to see if you were there. I wasn’t so much torn about it as I was fearful that if I told anyone about it the person who had them would beat the crap out of me. So I kept them. I’ll pay it forward in the future, I promise.
Today I am going to be working on Liberty; there are quite a few papers to grade, and I am going to take frequent breaks looking at stuff on CL and eBay; it’s my hope that I can get everything that I need for this garden into the ground by the middle of the summer so I can focus on painting again.

- Sedgy



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