May. 1st, 2017

Musings

May. 1st, 2017 10:30 am
One of the things that is really interesting is how I used to feel like I was being singled out for punishment. I remember so many instances where I was teased or made fun of or treated differently. I was viewed, as I am now, as little more than an experiment in behavior modification. My wife is the same way, constantly trying to get me to conform to her views of how I should act and think. Yesterday she was getting upset at something, and I said to her, ‘why are you getting angry?’ She got angrier, accusing me of trying to ‘start shit.’ I looked at her and told her that I was going to start treating her the same way she treats me. I’ve been struggling with my mood lately, and I think it might be the anti-depressants, because I really don’t think I am clinically depressed. B doesn’t want it to be the anti-depressant; she wants it to be the hormones, which figures, because she can see that HRT has improved my sense of self-esteem and self-worth, and she wants to squash it.
I have to set up my fake schedule for Quincy today or tomorrow; I want to make sure that I am out of the house as much as possible this summer. I wouldn’t mind, but if she thinks that I’m going to be sitting inside all summer long listening to her senseless babbling, she is kidding herself.
It’s my hope that I can get back into working on AODM. I’m almost halfway done with Part Nine.
I was just thinking about this earlier while I was running on the elliptical. When I was a kid I used to have this dream, a reoccurring one, where I had this black cloud that followed me around any time I went out of the house. I am not entirely sure exactly what it did, but this sense of imminent doom seemed to plague me as a child. Could this have meant that any time I went outside I could not be my authentic self? It is an interesting theory, and while I will likely never know, there is a great deal of my life that is up in the air right now. I told my wife that I have been prescribed two patches rather than one; I told her that I was going to wait to start taking them until after she was done with her surgery, but with her surgery done there is little left to stop me from starting them. We talked a bit about how she is always asking me if I am angry at her, which I have now finally begun to understand: I asked my mother if she were angry a lot, and I can only imagine how angry she eventually got. Not only that, but I think Bethany has an issue with anger besides her own: I tried explaining that frustration is a natural thing, as are other emotions, at which point she explained she’d asked me if I could do the two pictures on the wall, and I had said yes. I explained that any project has its setbacks, and to assume that everything will automatically go smoothly is absurd. She still disagrees, but at least I left for work this afternoon in a better mood and it seems we parted on loving terms.

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